POAS'aholic

Hi My name is C@ and I’m a POAS’aholic…. How many sticks have you pee’d on???? I’ve probably spent about $100 on PG tests in the last month and I can’t stop! At least I’m not spending money on clothes but seriously how much do these things cost? U have to pay $20 to pee on a piece of plastic ??? SO I decided screw all this I’m gonna buy internet sticks that only cost $17 for a pack of 25 !!! WTH how are these companies in business still???? I don’t need a fancy plastic case I just want the frickin thing to have two lines!

And have you ever stood in front of the bathroom light or daylight and squinted at this damn test?? And then of course you see an imaginary line and freak out, wake your DH up to ask him if he sees a line, get into a fight when he says he doesn’t see one and then you stare at it some more, throw it in the garbage and then rumage through the garbage hours later to make sure it was negative.. There is a website ladies that you can vote on other ppls pg tests!! Yes I shit you not it is out there! You upload your pee test and put ur dpo info and a little note and put it up for voting… you only get two options for voting… Positive or Negative, go figure.  So I decided to check out the photos under the “unsure” category. I found myself for 2 hrs voting on ppls pee sticks! I know I’m such a loser. You can click an invert button and it will change the photo to a negative style photo that will point out the line a little clearer..

OK so I have to confess.. I put mine up there to see what ppl thought and it was fun! But also very very addicting.. So addicting in fact I told my co-worker I would not buy a digital test because I enjoyed putting the test up on this site and enjoyed the game of “is there a line or isn’t there?”  And if I bought the test and it said “not pregnant” that’s where it ended and I would have to just move on. I realized how pathetic that sounded right after it came out of my mouth and my co-worker agreed.

So I’m voting on the “unsure” category and lots of them were light or not even close (like mine) and then there were some that were clearly positive and I’m like seriously!!!???  You have two lines that are so obvious and you still want ppl to tell you it’s positive??? I showed my DH and went off on a rant about how it was shoving it in ppls faces and that they just want to boast.. At this point I realize maybbbeeee I should just walk away from the laptop and go to bed.

TO PREG OR NOT TO PREG (dedicated to my sis in law expecting her first kidlet)

A co-worker and I were talking about how funny it is the pressure that people put on other couples. They may not know it they may not realize that they’re doing it but it can cause tension and stress and create obsessive monsters (aka moi).

BEFORE THE WEDDING

 When people see a couple and they’ve been together longer than 6 months the pressure for marriage starts. “When are you gonna tie the knot??”  “You know marriage is so awesome to spend your life together for the rest of your life!” “You get to pool your money together and enjoy life” Blah blah blah.. OH don’t get me wrong I love my DH with all my heart I said he was my rock at our wedding and I stand by that he is my rock!

AFTER THE WEDDING

Bam! Whamo! The negative stories!!! “Oh you shouldn’t have gotten married!” “Why didn’t you just live together that way if it doesn’t work out you can save money on lawyers?” “My husband is an idiot and most of them are!” “Now that I’m married I can’t do anything without discussing it with my spouse.” And the ever so popular quote normally made the NIGHT of the wedding!!! “Happy wife happy life” complete with an eye roll from the male making the comment…

BEFORE THE BABY …ABOUT ONE WEEK AFTER YOUR FRICKIN WEDDING

People are even as bold as to say these things on the wedding day!!! Please people! Give the newlyweds a minute to enjoy life together and don’t start putting baby in the woman’s head!!! They say things like “so are you gonna have any babies soon?” My husband and I bought a humongous house before the wedding it’s a four bedroom home and we bought it mostly because we wanted family to come out and visit and stay comfortably. And we also knew in the future we would have some children but weren’t buying it for that reason…

Oh ya the minute ppl heard the size of the home they instantly assume. “Oh are you pregnant???” “So this is baby’s room?” (Meanwhile there’s a queen size bed and dresser in there).

And then there is the sales pitch for baby: “Oh a baby is so wonderful. They coo and they’re so sweet.” “Parenting are the best days of your life”. “Being pregnant is so awesome, you glo!” “You get lots of loot at your baby shower”  “you’re at your most attractive when you are pregnant”

AFTER YOU’RE PREGNANT

Now I’m not PG but I’m going off of what my co-worker told me about her experience. People start telling you about their horror stories in the delivery room!!! Like that you poop if you push too hard “why do you think they only give you ice chips???” someone told her.  Oh and then the morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning … go figure… then why the hell do they call it that???? Oh and it can last the whole pg!! Hrmmm what else… let’s see… Oh right! You know that “you’re at your most attractive when your pg” and “you glow”. From what I hear of it, you glow because you just ralphed in the nearest garbage bin! Not so sexy and even though I think PG bellies are sooo pretty and attractive the women that are pg themselves say Nay nay! They feel like they’re cows or whales or anything else that is large.. Oh and then the bringing up baby stories like “oh you’re pregnant!!??? Be prepared to never sleep again!” Or “you’ll never have time for yourself now!”

So there you have it ladies… If you are expecting don’t let it scare you! Obviously you had to have known some of these facts or stories before you decided to do the BD. And any of the other surprising stories you just brush it off! Cause you’re lucky to be Pg!!! And there are many women out there (including myself) that would kill to have morning sickness all day everyday (yes we are cray cray). I would kill to waddle or get stuck on a couch or have to get up in the middle of the night because our DS or DD are screaming their lungs out!  Enjoy your 9mths ladies enjoy the experience of childbirth and GET AN EPIDURAL!!! Screw the natural thing!!!  Dull the pain and crap on the table you deserve it !!!!

Pregnancy Hypochondriac

Any woman that is TTC (trying to conceive) I don’t care how fertile she is if she has a little tinge in her uterus she thinks she’s pregnant! I remember when I was younger and not married and a “good little Catholic girl” freaking out if I was even a day past my date! I used to be on BC and that makes you nice and on schedule like clockwork but you still freak out if you’re late for the reasons of “I’m too young to have a baby!” or “My parents will send me to a nunnery!” or “I can’t even pay my cell bill on time how can I manage a kidlet!?”

But the minute you set your mind to having a little bean, pork chop, squishy, bun or baby you start being extremely sensitive to all feelings, bumps, dreams, stats. I’ll use me for example, my poor poor DH I hound him constantly about pg tests and signs and how I feel and he is probably sick of me by now. But why do we do it to ourselves??? We raise ourselves up and get excited and start justifying it! “Oh ya I baby danced three times right before my ovulation date so no wonder my uterus feels full…” WTH is that supposed to mean??? How can your uterus feel full ladies please comment and tell me what does that mean? Cause from frequent google’ing I have found that the first few weeks of a baby’s development is completely cellular and in no way do you gain weight until the baby starts developing body parts! And we purposely deprive ourselves from sleep thinking about all the signs we experienced and over thinking  it and , guess what, the next day we are soooooo tired and instead of being honest with ourselves we chalk the fatigue up to “I must be pregnant!”

 People around us don’t help either so, please, if you aren’t TTC and you know someone who is please stop encouraging them! Don’t just say things like “You just threw up? You should POAS you’re probably prego!” While in actuality they threw up because they just ate a crap ton of sushi and then went to hot yoga right after.

I can’t stand the obsessed chicks that feel free to talk about their CM ( Cervical Mucus) to friends and in public too. Like ok I know I’m bad and I talk a lot about periods and baby dancing but come on CM???? No one wants to know how the texture is or see illustrations on the internet about what it should look like. Keep that to yourselves please!!! Eww ick no one wants to know!          

EPIC FAIL

So after having many a conversation with my friends I decided that it was time I got a blood test done. I was 8 days late and starting to wonder what exactly was going on. Additionally I started to feel strange little tugs and pulls and my back spasmed out today randomly.

Now if you’ve been reading all my rants from day one you will remember I have extremely deep veins. I don’t want to get poked like stuffed pig for nothing! I was holding out and my doctor’s assistant convinced me enough that the test was worth it to find out with many guilt clichés like: “What if you drink this weekend? Or have sushi? And all the while you were PG? You don’t want to risk the development of ur baby do you?”

My coworker gave me a great remedy to deep veins. If you drink enough water you’ll not only stuff ur bladder u’ll also bring your veins to the surface easier than if you had nothing to drink at all. And she was right ladies and gents (if there are any gents reading wow I’m really sorry you have to read this stuff even my husband refuses to read my blog!). Anyway I went in she only needed to poke me once and I pee’d in a cup and I was O.U.T. On the way back to my office I decided I was gonna treat myself to some Mcdicks… Yes that’s right I had been poked and stuff was taken from me! I’m sure as heck gonna reward my bravery with some greasy food!

I get back to my office and scarf down the lunch. Oh and I also bought myself some awesome new shampoo (another important tidbit about me is that I have a hair product obsession!). Not even an hour later I start feeling green! That Mcdicks ran through me faster than it takes for my trainer to realize that I’ve eaten crap (he’s pretty in tune to these things he has spidey sense).

So now I wait and wait and wait for blood test results. I went back to Wally world that night and bought some expensive digital prego tests and took one that night.. Ya it gave me a frickin error. This is a sign that the Gods don’t want me to find out that I’m crazy and not pregnant until tomorrow.

And the result is … drumroll please… NEGATORY…  Ah well move on to bigger better things!

THE EMPTY CIRCLE OF NOTHINGNESS

When you have the condition I do you have many a “preg scare” or in my present and current stage of life… I like to call it my “oh pleassseeee let there be a second freaking line or so help me I will draw one on there!stage. So it’s my obsession… I have the urge to POAS every day! It’s like wanting a smoke or craving chocolate … I could be as far away from a BFP as possible but I know of ladies that are exactly the same they pee on the dollar store ones and they pee on the digital ones (man are those expensive).

I also have tried that expensive Ovulation tester pee on a stick thing a majigger. It basically tells you if you are ovulating or not by giving you a smiley face for a positive and a circle for a negative… I always described it as the empty circle of nothingness which is what I got for all 20 of the strips the $50 box cost me. Ya you read right $50 don’t choke on ur chai latte’s ladies getting preggers is expensive shiznit!

Like the time I decided to get my doctor to prescribe me Clomid… After 4 months of thinking “la la la I am fertile and I should be pg by now Metphormin has made me a fertile myrtle!” OH well no no my child Metphormin made me normal and not crazy but did not actually make me fertile!!!

I went down there, I would’ve called but my dr office takes their phones off the hook while the doctor is in that’s extremely counterproductive! I went in and left with a prescription for Clomid yayyyyyy! Little did I know that my Dr’s lovely assistant called in 3 mths worth of pills.. I got a call from my local Shopper’s Drug Mart and the young lady was extremely unsure that I would want 3 mths worth at once as it was not covered under my drug plan… Of course it’s not for those of you who aren’t Canadian the one thing my lovely country doesn’t recognize as a disease is infertility!!!!! It is not life threatening ???? Umm yes HI HELLO! My name is C@ and I would like to have a baby! I’ve threatened friends who have had preg scares that I will rip their babies out and keep them for myself!!! Ok maybe a little graphic but women go through horrible depressions trying to have a baby. This is proof that our Government is run by mostly men … How would they feel if they couldn’t get a stiffy??? Oh wait that’s right it’s considered a disease when a MAN CAN’T GET IT UP!

Anyway I digress… The pills for 3 mths worth were gonna cost $500. Again I’m sorry if you spit your hotchocolate out all over your yoga pants but this is true! So I clarified how many pills I actually needed to make my lady parts work properly.. I only needed 5 pills a month so I thought “oh ok great that should maybe cost like $20.. Oh no no no 45 frickin dollars.. I realize that you probably choked on your biscotti but I must finish this story so you might wanna stop eating and drinking all together until your done reading!

So there you have it my friends I spent $9 a pill and I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN TO TRY THEM YET! Apparently they make you super crazy (oh yay fun times for my DH). Now I have something to hold over my child’s head when they get their very first paycheck at their first job I can swipe it and say “you cost me 50 bucks to make and I would like to be paid back!”

And now because it's my all time fav GIF file I give you Mirtle the hip gyrating mommy:

BABY BLOCKBUSTER! GOOD IDEA OR NOT??? :s

I wasn’t always a baby wanting crazy hormone loving chick. Anyone who has known me a long time or even in the first few hours knows that I am a diva through and through! I love me and I love talking about me! I’ve been with my DH for about 7 years and we’ve been through a lot of different stages since we met each other when I was still a young selfish diva at the age of 19. Back then if you even mentioned having a child I would scoff at you and say I am never having a screaming sack of organs hanging off my saggy tit! You would never catch me ooo’ing and ahhh’ing over the cute little booties or one zees in the baby section at your local Wally world.

I recall a day I went for coffee with a DF and was hung over from the night before of drinking and debauchery. We somehow got talking about babies and families and I said “they should open up a baby blockbuster! For ppl who like babies but don’t really want to handle the icky poopie diaper! You can take a baby out enjoy the cute little face and enjoy the baby bum (that sounds a little pedophiley but anyone who’s seen a baby bum just knows what I mean). And then when the kid starts to annoy you, you can bring it back in and go home happy and fulfilled!!! If you kept the kid past your return date you got charged a fee and everyone was happy!! No one would ever need babysitters again just   use Baby Blockbuster a new baby brought in every other day!!!

 The New releases would be along the wall and the 3 years olds and terrible 2’s would be in a bin by the checkout. As for those expensive snacks by the till there would be super expensive baby wipes and bottles that are pre warmed for your convenience. I’m telling you this is a great idea!  No?

Ok well fast-forward to the present and I still really really want a baby bum of my own to pat (again really leaning on the pedophile side a little heavy :S ). I’m 5 days late and have taken out a 2^nd mortgage to pay for all the HPT (home prego tests) that I’ve pee’d on and it’s frustrating BFN! WTH! I’m starting to think I need to send a search party in after it. This is the first time in 5 months that I’ve been off schedule and I was kinda hoping it would be for the BFP reason… Patiently waiting *taps foot impatiently looking at an imaginary watch on my arm.

MICHELLE DUGGAR OF 19 KIDS AND COUNTING THAT'S ONE FERTILE BIOTCH!!!

SHARE ONE WOULD YA!!!!

THE UPSIDE TO VERY FEW RAG DAYS!

 (sensory alert you may want to remove your husband from the room incase he accidentally reads this)

People are always being sympathetic about the fact that I had maybe 3 periods a year and I have quite a few friends that have the same "problem" but.. what the heck.. there's always a positive side to things and these were just some ideas ;)

You can have lotsa sex!!!!

Well… only if you want to… There are some men out there that make their GF or Wife or both (evil laugh) “go down” on them when they are closed for servicing… PCOS alleviates this issue J Cause we never close!!!

Save money on tampons and all that fun stuff.

They have coalitions for lower hydro bills and groups that protest the HST blah blah blah (it’s a Canadian thing Google it). Why the heck isn’t someone complaining about the cost of tampons!!! I mean come on for a pack that will last most PCOS girls maybe half their cycle for the good ones it’s 8 bucks! So to have my period I need to spend 20 bucks after taxes on some cotton that has been shoved into a plastic applicator that has some sharp edges that can really hurt the “you know what” area! PLUS! Most of us PCOS bitches have to use a combo deal of maxi’s and tampons!!! That shiznit be expensive!!!

More money in the “I need chocolate” fund and less money spent on “I feel fat pants”

Every girl has those pants and has to wear them around the time of the month that we retain the most water. And of course there are Chocoholics out there with chocolate smeared all over their faces at this very moment saying “those PCOS bitches are so lucky!!!” But having PCOS can cause crazy-sweet-toothitis and it reeks havoc on our blood sugar not to mention makes my ass the size of Lake Superior http://www.nosta.on.ca/.

We can avoid those tacky “aunt flo” comments from our hubbies, partners, family friends etc

Ugh I hate that stupid analogy of “aunt flo” coming to stay… seriously just say you’re on ur freakin period! And when you DH (dear husband) complains you can just tell him “ ya that’s right there is nothing actually causing me to be a pain… I just wanna be one so go and get me a Rollo Mcflurry with extra hot fudge because it’s freakin hot outside not because my “aunt flo” wants one!

None of those tampon string mishaps or leaking maxi pads mistakes 
I don’t care how diligent you are we all have these horribly embarrassing things happen.. I have never had the tampon string mishap but I’ve seen it... It’s mostly in the pool or at the beach where unfortunately it’s the time of the month but we still wanna go for a dip but we don’t check to make sure the eject string is hidden!!! EMBARASSING! And of course if you don’t get to a bathroom or forget a backup cleaning up those stains or hiding them can make you feel oh so sexy!

 

Sensory alert!

 I’m gonna end with this icky disgusting story of a hot tub mishap so if you're a queasy person don't read this! We were at a hotel in the city and were in the hot tub having a relaxing evening. A young woman came by with her family and she entered the hot tub. We continued our conversation and thought nothing of it. I got hot so decided to sit along side of the hot tub and the young woman did as well. Well I guess her small child needed her so she got up and went to the pool. I just happened to look down at where she was sitting and … well… lets just say it was not just pool water puddle on the floor.

 My reaction was “oh my God. Oh my God. Insert husband’s name here, get out of the water! Get out of the water!” My DH jumped out and had a curious look on his face. I pointed it out quietly and he proceeded to run to the bathroom and throw up... Moral of the story ladies… You better check yo-self before you wreck yo-self!